Yeah, Finals Week Sucks

So I had finals this week.

Tuesday was Physics. I just had a presentation. That was easy.

On Wednesday was English and Japanese. In English we did two essays and a 43 question test... I remember taking the test at some point last year. xD It was so familiar. And because I passed my Japanese prefinal, I didn't have to take the actual final.

On Thursday I just had math. I got 79%. Dx How did that happen? I thought I had done such a great job!

At least I got to go home at 10....

Friday was the big day. I had Computers; that was easy. But after that was AP US History.

I'm so scared. ;_______;

It was 200 questions of pure doom.

But it wasn't that bad. xD



But something sucky happened that kinda ruined my week.

On Tuesday, I was reading my shoujo manga like I also do, and I don't know, I was feeling extra emotional, maybe because of the stress... Anywho, I was feeling incredibly lonely and so I emailed the guy I like practically asking him whether or not he likes me. You know, the last time we met things had changed and a friend had said that maybe that meant that he liked me back... So I asked him. In a long, multiple paragraph rant. xD

I got an email back on Wednesday.

He said that he would be my friend no matter what, but he "can't promise any more than that".

Yeah, so instead of studying for math, I cried the entire evening.

It didn't help that when I asked if I could stay home instead of walk the dog with my mom and sister, my sister glanced at me, rolled her eyes, and said "I bet she's faking it."

And when you just received shocking news, you're struggling not to cry, and you all of a sudden receive a slap in the face like that? The dams kinda break.


I don't remember much of that night, because I spent most of it crying my eyes out, but I do remember emailing him back thanking him for still being my friend, and I was crying so hard that I couldn't sit up straight and my hands were trembling so much that my words came out all mispelled, so I had to go back and fix them.

So, yes, I received my first heartbreak.

I don't really feel like doing anything, and I'm resisting the things I used to love to do... Like watching romantic movies, or reading shoujo manga, or even singing songs that could be connected to my feelings before the "incident". I'm always trembling slightly for some reason, and I've been going to bed really early.

I don't really feel like I'm myself anymore. It sucks.

And you know what really sucks? My friends didn't really care.

Sarah just apologized absentmindedly and patted me on the head before going off to talk to someone else. It was like she hadn't even really heard what I had said.

Leah was a bit better, but it still wasn't what I was looking for. She said that maybe I still had a chance because he said "promise", which wasn't as concrete as saying something like "I'll never like you" or anything like that. But she still didn't really understand. In fact, I don't think any of my friends could fully relate. All of my friends either have never really developed a crush on someone that they could imagine being with, or have always had their feelings reciprocated, and even if they end the relationship, it was because they decided to break it off.


I dunno. And my mom played the "mom card" by saying that I'm too good for him, that someday I'll meet someone better, etc.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for. Maybe I just want someone to say that he'll change his mind...


I'm just so tired of waiting. I don't care if I don't meet my soulmate for another ten years. I just want someone to spend time with now.

I'm afraid of being alone until I meet the "one". And my biggest fear is that I don't meet that person until I'm in my thirties.


This has kind of taught me something. Kokoro isn't Kokoro unless she has someone to fantasize about. Unless there's a chance that tomorrow I could walk out the door and have the most wonderful romantic experience of my life with the person I really care about, I just can't enjoy life.